I’ve been ill recently. In fact, I’ve been quite ill for quite a long time but over the last two or three months it has gotten a little worse and a little harder to deal with. It leaves me feeling tired and lethargic and makes it a struggle sometimes to do daily tasks.
The symptoms come and go. Some days are really bad and I can do nothing else but function on a basic level. Most days are OK; not great, but good enough that I can do what I need to do and sometimes a little bit more.
Treatments are actually pretty hit and miss unfortunately. I had things under control for quite a while but recently they aren’t working as well. I’ve had to adjust the dosages of a medication for another issue and it has interacted with my main medication. So I’ll have to get the doctor to look into it for me and hopefully we’ll be back on track. But what they have found is that what works for one patient doesn’t work for another so it could be trial and error for a while.
Work has been difficult for me over the last few months. Thankfully I work from home a lot so I can work when I am well enough to and take time when I’m not. I know that my boss and other people I work with wish I could be more productive and work more hours than I do, but I do my best. I’m not sure they understand, but it can be hard to when you haven’t had to deal directly with an illness.
Like with my wife Natalie, who has Type 1 diabetes. I see what she goes through in order to live her life as normally as possible but there is no way that I could understand what it is like to have to live every day knowing that you have to keep control of your insulin levels in order to survive. In the same way, others who haven’t had what I’ve got must struggle to understand what it is like to be in my position. I do the best to tell them but I don’t think they understand. I don’t think they can.
Me dressed up to go out for coffee or something. I don’t look very sick, do I?
I’m hopeful that with the right treatment my symptoms will become manageable and that I’ll start to feel better again. I can never be cured and I accept that, but I hope that I can live as close to a normal life as possible. It takes time and it isn’t easy but it is something that I want to do.
There are downsides to the treatments that I need to continue on. Some of them are too personal to discuss for even me, but others include lethargy (which is funny because that’s one of the symptoms to treat), changes in appetite, weight gain, sleeping issues and headaches. But I will deal with all that just so that I can start to feel a bit healthier again and be able to go on with life in a much better place.
I try not to make excuses for myself. I suck it up and get on with things as best I can. Sometimes, I do fail to get everything done or done on time. It is something I really hate because I am big on following through with commitments. I just do the best I can and feel bad most of the time for what I don’t do. This doesn’t help me feel any better.
One day I’ll be well enough to do all the things I used to do. For now, I just make the best of the situation and hopefully I’ll feel better soon.
So what is this illness? It isn’t cancer or diabetes or heart disease. It isn’t blood pressure or a broken bone or even something you can see.
It’s mental illness.